Saturday, May 31, 2014

What I Did On My Summer Vacation (Cont.)




After Adela finished her nap, Jodi gave her a little snap.  We decided to get out of the house and do some shopping.  Now, here is a funny story.  Jodi asked Adela if she wanted to go to a mall.  Adele said “Amal”.  Amal is a friend of Adela’s.  So, everytime Jodi asked about going to a mall, Adela would say Amal.  Jodi started asking if Adela wanted to go to THE MALL!!!


So, we walked over to the center and picked up the car which Donnie had left there.  We went to the shopping center.  We decided to eat at one of the popular hamburger places.  We each had a cheeseburger and shared a fry.  Jodi tried one of their new deserts – some ice cream concoction with I think some blueberry crisp in it.  We wondered around the mall for about three hours waiting for Donnie to finish up helping his friend move.


We had some pretty exciting times.  We were just a couple minutes from the shopping center when Adela says “Pou Pou” from the back seat!!!!!  I just wish I could have seen Jodi’s face but I was sitting in the back set with Adela.  Need-less-to-say, we made it to the mall in record time.  I was assigned the task of distracting Adela.  Hum…I have had a lot of training in almost 35 years but nothing to equip me for this.  Somehow we made it to the mall, parked in a space barely larger than a sardine can, raced into the mall, and Jodi ran ahead with Adela.  False alarm!!!


In the mall, we were in a store that looked like Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  Adela really loves this place because they have all kinds of expensive kid stuff.  She immediately found a doll which she fell in love with and a baby carriage to stroll her around in.  Adela took her new baby everywhere.  There was an area where there was a refrigerator which had all kinds of stuff in it.  Adela took some of the plastic eggs and stuck them in the tea kettle.  How cute??


Then, we wandered through the bedroom section where Adela tried to tuck her baby into one of the adult size beds.  Adela found a new 4 place tea setting which she really enjoyed sharing with her new baby.  We probably spent 30 minutes in the store and at the end were trying to figure out how we were ever going to get the baby away from Adela which her being really, really, upset.  Just when we were about ready to leave Adela says “Pou Pou” again.  Jodi grabbed the doll, placed in on the nearest shelf and was off with Adela to the nearest restroom.  I was left to put the doll back and follow up with Adela’s stroller.  This was the fastest I had seen Jodi move in a long time.  When Adela and Jodi came out of the bathroom, again, it was another false alarm.  There was a third occasion when this happened but I don’t recall the details.  All this “Pou Pou” stuff seems to be running together.  J  But we did end up with another false alarm.


We did have a really interesting thing happen with Adela.  We still had about 30 minutes or so before we were supposed to me Donnie for supper at PF Chang’s.  We were strolling in front of the supper market area which was really noisy.  Adela turned around and looked at Jodi and pointed to her diaper bag.  Jodi thought Adela wanted something to eat but then Jodi realized her phone was in one of the zipper bags and when she got it out, it was ringing.  Somehow Adela had either heard or felt the phone.  Neither of us had heard it.


Donnie met us shortly and we went to PF Chang’s for supper.  Donnie ordered a lamb dish and since Jodi and I had eaten just a few hours earlier, we decided to share a different lamb dish.  We also had some tea and water.  For our appetizer, we had a large bowl of egg drop soup which the four of us shared.  By the time we were done, everyone was pretty full.  However, on the way in Jodi had seen this delicious chocolate cake that she decided looked like a good desert.  Donnie and I indicated we were not interested in desert.  Jodi kept insisting that “we” should order a desert.  So, while Jodi took Adela off to play, I told her I would order the desert.  When I got the desert menu, there were several chocolate items on it.  The chocolate cake desert that I thought Jodi wanted indicated that it was a desert for four people.  So, I was not sure that is what Jodi wanted.  Donnie got Jodi to come back to our table to verify her order.  Jodi indicated that that was the desert that she had seen but she did not know it was supposed to serve four people.  Well, I ended up ordering the desert.  I was sure that none of it would go to waste (not waist).  When it showed up, it was a pretty good size piece of cake.  It had some sliced strawberries with it which Adela loved along with some strawberry sauce.  It also had one side covered with miniature chocolate chips.  In-between the different layers, there was also layers of chocolate frosting.  Even though Donnie and I were not interested in desert, we were pretty good helpers.  Jodi did manage to save some for a take-out bag to come home with her.
Right before we left, Jodi took Adela to the restroom to make sure we would not have any issues on the way home.  Adela has been doing great with her potty training which just started two days ago.  When we got home, Jodi took Adela to the potty and we finally had some success.  We relaxed some and then it was time for Adela to have a bath and then go to bed.


After Adela went to bed, we exchanged copies of the different photos we had taken.  Since I got here, I took over 500 pictures / videos.  I think Jodi gave me about 1300 photos that she had taken.  After that, we watched a couple of the shows that I had recorded for Jodi.  The Bentleys have hit the hay but since I have not been sleeping very well, I thought I would finish up my blog for the day and post it out online before heading to bed.  It is 73 degrees so I hope I will have a better night’s rest.  I am guessing I will not sleep too much tomorrow night as I have to be at the airport probably around 5 a.m. for my 7:10 a.m. flight out back to St. Louis.  I am sure that will be a short night’s sleep if I get any!  It has been a great trip!

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Colonoscopy - Written by Dave Barry

So here's the story.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothe s and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. Now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'



Inspirational Stories

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room She said: 'How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?' The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'

Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?'

The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold.. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could.'

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said :

'Dear Mom,

I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You' . I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of His pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus, Himself, took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you.. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked: where was He when I needed Him?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.

Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore the cancer is all gone.. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

When Grandma Goes To Court

When Grandma Goes To Court
Don't Jack With This Lady!