The
following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday
Morning Commentary.
My confession:
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think
Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think
people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around,
period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an
explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and
I don't like it being shoved down my throat...
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that
we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God
as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old,
too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these
celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a
little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not
funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
In light of recent events... terrorists attack,
school shootings, etc.. I think it started when Madeleine Murray
O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained
she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then
someone said you better not read the Bible in school... The Bible
says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as
yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they
misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we
might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide).
We said an expert should know what he's talking about.. And we
said okay..
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they
don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill
strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it
out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the
world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers
say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send
'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start
sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about
sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass
freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in
the school and workplace.
Are you laughing yet?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on
your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they
will think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than
what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit.
My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,
Ben Stein
A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in
Chicago . They
had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of
time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases,
one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display
of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they
all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly-missed boarding...
ALL BUT ONE!!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his
feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple
stand had been overturned.
He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them
to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his
taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples
were all over the terminal floor. He was glad he did. The 16-year-old girl
was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in
frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce
as the crowd swirled about her; no one stopping and no one to care for her
plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples,
put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this,
he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set
aside in another basket. When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and
said to the girl, "Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are
you
okay?" She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, "I hope we
didn't
spoil your day too badly."
As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out
to him, "Mister...." He paused and turned to look back into those
blind
eyes. She continued, "Are you Jesus?" He stopped in mid-stride ...
and he
wondered. He gently went back and said, "No, I am nothing like Jesus - He
is
good, kind, caring, loving, and would never have bumped into your display in
the first place. The girl gently nodded: "I only asked because I prayed
for
Jesus to help me gather the apples. He sent you to help me, so you are like
Him - only He knows who will do His will. Thank you for hearing His call,
Mister."
Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question
burning and bouncing about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?" Do people
mistake
you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that
people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that
is blind to His love, life and grace. If we claim to know Him, we should
live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting
scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds
day to day .
You are the apple of His eye even though you, too, have been bruised by a
fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked up you and me on a hill called
Calvary and paid in full for our damaged
fruit.
Share this, {IF you feel led to do so}.
Sometimes we just take things for granted, when we really need to be sharing
what we know....Thanks.
"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you've decided
to
see beyond the imperfections."
This made my day. I pray it makes yours as well........
I hope you enjoy this story. It really does strike a nerve as to what we
should be doing.
I am not afraid of tomorrow for I
have seen yesterday and I love today.
Noah's Ark : Everything I need to
know, I learned from Noah's Ark
.
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do
something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to
be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with
the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark
was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always
a rainbow waiting.
Most people walk in and out of your life,
but FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.
Colonoscopy - Written by Dave Barry
So here's the story.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothe s and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. Now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Inspirational Stories
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room She said: 'How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?' The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'
Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?'
The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'
Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold.. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could.'
Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.
The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.
She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.
It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said :
'Dear Mom,
I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You' . I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of His pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus, Himself, took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you.. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked: where was He when I needed Him?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.
Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore the cancer is all gone.. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?
Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.
