What a day. I called my ortho doctor's office this morning because I found a=
little lump on the outside of my foot about 2 inches above that knobby bone=
. It hurt whenever I touched it or my other leg touched it. I thought mayb=
e I caused this when I felt on my foot the Sunday before this last one when I=
feel forward in my wheelchair on my bad foot. I thought I might have dislo=
dged something or messed up my foot somehow. But I did not want to call the=
doctor just because of this so I wanted over a week and it was not getting a=
ny better. At the same time, I noticed one of my sets of stitches was getti=
ng a little red. =20
So, when my doctor's office called back, they wanted to see my right away (m=
ainly due to the redness in my stitches). They had an appointment this afte=
rnoon (Tuesday) at 2:40 or one on Thursday. The one for today was around 20=
miles away but I decided I did not want to mess around with a possible infe=
ction. So, I went to the doctor today.
I actually saw my doctor today and not one of his assistances. They took an=
other full set of x-rays. When the doctor came in, he said it looked like I=
had a stitch infection. I asked him what caused that. He said it could be=
one of many different things. I asked so it wasn't bad stitching by the do=
ctor???? He said no, the stitching was amazing. :-) After that, he took s=
omething that looked like a qtip and started digging around in my stitches. =
Man, oh, Man. And then he squeezed it and squeezed it and squeezed it some=
more. I think the got everything out. So, it started draining some. =20
The doctor did not seem very compassionate and I mentioned something to him a=
bout that. He said something about he did not get much sleep last night due=
to our storms and so he was tired and so his bed side manner was not in top=
form. I told him I had not slept very well for 3-4 weeks. He was not impr=
essed. I told him it might be a long week for him since this was only Tuesd=
ay. (On my way out, I did look for him and tell him I hoped he did get a go=
od night's sleep!!!)
Oh, where was I. After cleaning out my stitches, he said he was going to pu=
t on a hard, windowed cast. I was not exactly sure what that was but they e=
nded up putting on a hard cast. Then, the nurse sawed a hole in the side of=
the cast. That was pretty exciting..... She opened it up and said I was t=
o change the medicated patch once a day. Then, I was to put the little cast=
window back and wrap everything back up. They also prescribed me some anti=
biotics to take twice a day.
Then, he checked the lump on the side of my foot. He did say he could feel i=
t and I told him it hurt when he was messing with it. He was not sure what i=
t was but decided to prescribe an MRI. He had a little MRI machine that he u=
sed to look at it and take some pictures but don't think he could tell much f=
rom that. So, I am supposed to get a call within the next 48 hours to get m=
y foot MRI.
The doctor said he would take another look at my foot in a week. So, I gues=
s I need to make an appointment. I got out after 4 p.m. and I think they cl=
osed at 4 so no one was around to schedule an appointment so I am going to c=
all tomorrow on that. Then, after that appointment, my normal appointment i=
s just a week away. I guess that is one way to make these last two weeks fl=
y by.
So, I didn't think I really had any good news to report but actually there w=
as some. The doctor had looked at my x-rays and indicated that they were no=
issues with the hardware (screws) that he had put in my foot. Originally, I=
had thought that maybe the lump on the side of my foot was related to my wh=
eel chair incident (or maybe got aggravated when I feel outside a restaurant=
last week). So, I guess those two stupid things did not mess anything up.
I am just hoping that I don't break anything else before I get this cast off=
. It sounds like I am still on the path of now having this hard cast on for=
a little more than two more weeks. Then, get checked on and then I am guess=
ing I will also have some kind of a cast on for another 4 weeks during which=
I hope to be able to put some weight on my foot. =20
I think I am going to be so excited that I think I am going to finalize all m=
y travel plans to see all the folks I have not visited yet. I am feeling th=
at I am getting to the age when I can't just think I am going to be around t=
he next day... SO, I need to get all my relative visits in as soon as I can a=
s I don't think it is fair to only "bug" some of the family and not the othe=
rs!!!!!
So, be warned. Well, I guess that is about it for now. I mentioned to one o=
f the folks there about my not being able to sleep. She just mentioned agai=
n to take the anti nausea medication they gave me. So, I guess, I may try t=
hat again.
So, that is the latest on my foot. I can't wait to get this foot issue behi=
nd me. I think I am going to need to get a job just to pay all the doctor b=
ills.
I hope you all are doing better than me! There has got to be a lesson in he=
re somewhere.
Colonoscopy - Written by Dave Barry
So here's the story.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothe s and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. Now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Inspirational Stories
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room She said: 'How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?' The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'
Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?'
The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'
Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold.. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could.'
Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.
The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.
She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.
It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said :
'Dear Mom,
I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You' . I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of His pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus, Himself, took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you.. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked: where was He when I needed Him?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.
Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore the cancer is all gone.. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?
Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.
